


I Once Was Lost

by lostinmymindforever



Series: Twins [8]
Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Priest Kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 04:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinmymindforever/pseuds/lostinmymindforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Dean's deal come up Sam finds himself lost, and searches out the twin brother he hasn't seen since he was 18.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Once Was Lost

It has been years since I saw him last. Years since Jared walked out the door on me, on Dean, on our father. Years in which so much has changed. Not long after Jared left, I myself took off for college. I think me leaving was even worse in some ways than when he had gone as we had barely picked up the pieces of his leaving before I went.

But that was then and this is now. I know Jared was called when our father died, I stood next to Dean as he did so, as he yelled and screamed about responsibility and family loyalty. I remember how that was the last time Dean ever said Jared’s name until the night before he died.

It’s been two weeks since Dean’s deal came up, since the hellhounds came and tore him apart. I’m lost, alone, truly alone for the first time that I can remember. But Dean’s words keep circling in my mind, telling me to go to Jared, to find him. I want to ignore his request, but how can I, Dean begged me to find my twin, to try and fix things between us. And so here I am, standing outside in the pouring rain outside of the church that Jared calls his home.

I’m not really sure how long I just stood there, trying to gather the courage to walk inside. In the end I wasn’t the one to open the doors. I was still standing there, lost in my misery and pain when the front doors opened, revealing the twin brother I hadn’t seen since I was 18 years old. He looked good, calm in a way I don’t think I had ever seen him before, and the way he was dressed made me almost cry.

I had dressed like a priest before, on cases with Dean, but those were always costumes, disguises, not like what Jared was wearing. This was his job, his calling and I felt sick with myself for in a way mocking it as I had. He motioned me inside, shock evident on his face. I think he knew something bad had happened when he saw me.

I followed him, my clothes and hair soaked, trailing water with each footstep. We didn’t speak, it wasn’t the time for words. He led me to his room, handing me some clean clothes and a towel, nodding towards the bathroom. I quickly took a warm shower and changed into the clothes he had given me, instantly noticing that he had taken my wet clothes somewhere, probably to dry. My own clothes, not the soaked ones I was wearing, but the rest of my things were still in the car, which was parked outside.

He didn’t speak, waiting for me to begin talking. I sat there for a few moments in silence, just staring at him, tears falling down my face before I broke the silence. “Dean’s gone, Jay. He... it shouldn’t have happened.”

Jared took a shaky breath, “How? What happened?”

I laughed bitterly, “It’s my fault. If he hadn’t... I died, Jay, a little over a year ago and Dean couldn’t deal with that so he made a deal. Sold his damn soul to bring me back, and only got a year before hellhounds came for him.” I wanted to scream, “He sold his fucking soul and there was nothing I could do to stop him from going to Hell like Dad did when he pulled the same stunt to save Dean.”

“Sam, Dean’s always made it his duty to protect us. I’m sure he just did what he thought he needed to.”

I closed my eyes, hands tightening into fists, “He was selfish. Couldn’t live with me dead but expects me to go on with him gone. I hate him.”

Jared rested his hand on my arm, trying to calm me down. I could hear the sadness in his voice as he spoke, “You don’t mean that. You hate what he did, but you don’t hate him. I know that Sam. You could never hate him.”

I wanted to scream and yell and tell Jared that he was wrong, but I couldn’t. He was right. I didn’t hate Dean as much as I wanted to. He was our big brother, the one person other than Jared who truly understood me and loved me no matter what. Our father had tried, but somehow things had always been strained between us, even when I was a child. But Dean and Jared had loved me unconditionally, and there was a time when we would have done anything for each other. I hung my head in shame, the tears coming harder now.

I felt Jared wrap his arm around my shoulder and let my head rest next to his. He held me as I cried, not speaking, just letting me mourn. I could feel him slightly shaking and looked up briefly to see tears running down his face as well. I shouldn’t have done this to him, shouldn’t have brought up all this pain. He seemed to know my thoughts and shook his head.

“Sam, it’s not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself for everything. Bad things happen to good people sometimes, and it sucks but blaming yourself isn’t going to fix anything. Dean wouldn’t have wanted that for you. I don’t want that for you.”

He was cupping my face at that point, making me look at him, look into his eyes. I could see the hurt and pain I was sure he could see in my eyes reflected back as well as things I couldn’t begin to describe. It was as if he was trying to silently apologize for all the years he’d been gone from my life. 

I don’t know why I did what I did next, but I found myself leaning forward until my lips were brushing against his. He didn’t push me away, like I expected him to as soon as I realized I was kissing my twin, my very much a priest twin. Instead he pulled me closer, running his fingers through my hair, kissing me back with a passion I had never felt before in my life. I moaned at the sensation, which allowed Jared to slip his tongue into my mouth, and I let it happen.

I held onto him, hands moving up and down his arms, needing this connection like I needed air. By the time he pulled away I was hard, achingly hard, my breath coming raggedly. He stood, and I thought he was going to send me away, tell me that had been a mistake, but he merely crossed the room, locking his door before returning to me. 

I allowed Jared to push me down onto his mattress, letting him control this, whatever it was. He leaned over me, looking deeply into my eyes, licking his lips before kissing me once more. I moaned again, my breath coming fast as his hand trailed down my body until it was hovering over my crotch. I know he could feel how hard I was, my erection was tenting the soft fabric of the pants he had borrowed me obscenely, making it quite obvious what I wanted.

I felt him move closer to me, his own hardness grinding against my thigh, and I knew he was just as affected by this as I was. “Jay,” I whispered, trying to tell him everything I was thinking with that simple word. As when we were younger he seemed to understand, and when he pulled away this time I knew he wasn’t going to leave me. I watched as he slowly undressed, biting my lip as I took the sight in.

His body was different than the last time I had seen it, but then again, years had passed, we weren’t the lanky 18 year olds we had been back then. I didn’t want to force things, allowing Jared to take control of this. After he was undressed he came to me, undressing me slowly, running his fingers over scars that I had received in our years apart, his fingers tracing the tattoo on my chest. He gave me a questioning look at that.

“It’s an anti-possession tattoo. I... Dean and I got them after I had been possessed. It prevents it from happening again.”

Jared nodded, speaking quietly, “I should get one also, then.” He bit his lip once more, “I’ve... that is... I haven’t been with anyone, Sam.”

“That’s okay, Jay. Whatever you are comfortable with. I’m not going to push you. Fuck, didn’t expect even this.”

Jared blushed hard, “I thought about it so many times when we were younger. I wanted it so bad. Wanted you, wanted Dean. Dad... when Dad found out I was interested in guys he went off on me. Told me I was sick and disgusting, that no son of his... So I left, wasn’t sure where I was gonna go. Ended up here, they took me in and I decided to... decided to become this as a form of payback.”

I sat up, shocked, “He was wrong, Jay. It’s not sick, or wrong, or disgusting. I can’t believe he said that to you, that he... how could he do that?” I laughed bitterly, “You weren’t the only one this way, Jay. Dean was... Dean was open to pretty much anything, anyone. Don’t think Dad ever knew that, but Dean wasn’t straight, never had been. And me? Well, I experimented when I was in college, found out what I liked and what I didn’t. I can say I’m not 100% myself. Jared, you aren’t sick or disgusting, you have to believe that.”

“Yes I am, I still want you, and if Dean was here I’d want him also.”

I grabbed his hand, placing it on my cock, “Jay, does this feel like someone who doesn’t want you? You did this to me, not anyone else. If you’re sick and disgusting, then so am I. Don’t beat yourself up over this, over what he said.”

Jared swallowed hard, wrapping his fingers around my length. I cursed lightly as he began to stroke, “You’re good, Sam. So, so very good.”

I moaned, pulling him closer, kissing him once more. I reached down and began to stroke him as well, kissing the side of his neck, listening to the breathy little moans that passed his lips. He arched into my touches, whispering my name as if it were a prayer. “Forgive me,” I whispered into his ear, “forgive me for letting you go, for not telling you how much you meant to me years ago.”

“Sam,” the name was drawn out, almost broken sounding. Jared was trembling under my touch, already so close to the edge, but it was understandable. I doubted he’d even touched himself in years, for fear of thinking of this. 

“Let it go, Jay. Let yourself go. I’ve got you, gonna take care of you, Sweetheart.”

Jared tensed, his hand leaving my cock, both of his hands coming to grasp my arms as he fell apart due to my ministrations. He moaned my name, chanting it again and again so sweetly, tears of sorrow and pain and joy and release falling from his eyes as he came with my name one his lips. I kissed him softly, letting him ride out the sensations, ignoring my own need in favor of watching him. There was something so innocent and angelic about him as he came, something that I vowed to see as often as he would let me.

When Jared came down from his high he looked at me, almost apologetic. I wanted to tell him that nothing was wrong, but he silenced me with a kiss, wrapping his hand once more around my length, stroking me into one of the most intense orgasms I had ever been on the receiving end of. 

I must have fallen asleep, because when I opened my eyes the sun was starting to rise and the rain had obviously stopped. I buried my face into Jared’s hair, inhaling deeply, wanting to save how he smelled in case he wouldn’t want to do this again, in case he regretted this. He woke slowly, curling up against me, giving me a sleepy little kiss before opening his eyes.

I had to keep moving, had to find a way to bring Dean back, and yet I didn’t want to leave Jared, not after what we had shared. He seemed to know my thoughts, looking at me with a small grin on his face. 

“We have much to do to try and find a way to save Dean, don’t we?”

I nodded, “Yeah, we do.”

Jared slowly climbed out of bed, holding out his hand to me. We showered quickly, then dressed before packing his few minor belongings. He was wearing my shirt when we left his room, his collar tucked into his pocket. He gave one last look around before following me outside and into the Impala that had been such a major part of our childhoods. 

Over the next few months we researched, looked up whatever we could to try and bring Dean back, but nothing seemed to work. Every day we hit another dead end, but we couldn’t give up. When Ruby showed up trying to get me to be with her, trying to get me to do something I may have regretted later, Jared was there. He sent her back to Hell where she belonged. 

And when September rolled around and Jared and I were still researching a way to bring Dean back, we were both surprised to see him on our doorstep. Whole, alive, with no knowledge of how he got out. We met angels for the first time soon after, and that’s when things got even more interesting. But that is for another time.


End file.
